A Facebook friend of mine–not a real-life friend–recently used his status update to congratulate a newly-married couple with the following quotation from an Avett Brothers song: “Always remember there was nothing worth sharing than the love that let us share our name.”
It’s a nice thought, and a deeply enraging one. The name that the couple shares is not theirs: it’s the man’s, and it only becomes their name after the woman gives hers up.
You see, my friend is taking that lyric wildly out of context. The Avett Brothers are invoking a sibling relationship, so the name they’ve inherited is their from birth. Setting aside primogeniture, the sibling relationship is a democratic rather than a hierarchical one, whereas the kind of marriage in which the woman’s name disappears is hierarchical. You can argue all you want that each spouse in a marriage is equally important, or that your marriage is egalitarian, or that you like the tradition, or that it’s easier to share one name, but the very fact that it’s the man’s name that remains signals the presence of a gendered hierarchy.
I understand the impulse to change your name, I really do. I chose not to change mine, and in the spirit that allowed me to choose that option I am certainly not going to tell someone else what to do. But don’t misuse song lyrics to justify it. If you really want a love that let you share your name, choose an entirely new one.
Or–dare I say it?–share the woman’s name.
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Daily Feminism: Name Sharing
A Facebook friend of mine–not a real-life friend–recently used his status update to congratulate a newly-married couple with the following quotation from an Avett Brothers song: “Always remember there was nothing worth sharing than the love that let us share our name.”
It’s a nice thought, and a deeply enraging one. The name that the couple shares is not theirs: it’s the man’s, and it only becomes their name after the woman gives hers up.
You see, my friend is taking that lyric wildly out of context. The Avett Brothers are invoking a sibling relationship, so the name they’ve inherited is their from birth. Setting aside primogeniture, the sibling relationship is a democratic rather than a hierarchical one, whereas the kind of marriage in which the woman’s name disappears is hierarchical. You can argue all you want that each spouse in a marriage is equally important, or that your marriage is egalitarian, or that you like the tradition, or that it’s easier to share one name, but the very fact that it’s the man’s name that remains signals the presence of a gendered hierarchy.
I understand the impulse to change your name, I really do. I chose not to change mine, and in the spirit that allowed me to choose that option I am certainly not going to tell someone else what to do. But don’t misuse song lyrics to justify it. If you really want a love that let you share your name, choose an entirely new one.
Or–dare I say it?–share the woman’s name.
Like this: